Just so you know where to find it in case you’re feeling self-destructive and begging for an ear-worm, Rebecca Black’s sequel to “Friday” — titled “Saturday.” If her celebrating escalation continues, I’m going to start assuming the party girl in Thursday and “Thursday” [NSFW, SFW] is just Black pre-gaming for the weekend.
So, in case you were wondering what Darrius says to Carly “Double-D” (that’s her nickname — swear, dude), it’s barking. He barks at her. The smack to the shoulder was completely warranted. Video proof.
Curly’s first wife’s name was Julia Rosenthal.
Gillian just left for a weekend trip. Do I immediately strip down to my tighty-whiteys and slide across the floor to “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll” or is that an after-dinner thing?
I’m sure this exists on Tumblr already a million times over but I haven’t seen it on my dashboard so — Benedict Cumberbatch reads R. Kelly lyrics.
curse you, Bill Carr.
So I got a letter in the mail (ooh!) from Amazon (wha?) and so many things went through my head.
- Who gets mail from Amazon?
- Why is it so thin?
- Is this a rejection letter from some Amazon Writing Fellowship that I don’t remember entering?
- What if this is some sort of reward thing from Amazon for my being such a great Amazon Prime customer over the years, even if the only reason I’m still paying for Amazon Prime is because I forget to cancel it every year?
- What if it’s, like, some kind of passcode to the super secret Amazon Fresh site that lets me buy one roll of paper towels instead of having to buy fifty at once?
- Is it a job offer? Am I going to have to move to Seattle?
- WHY IS IT SNAIL MAIL?
- WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?
It was a form letter “from” Bill Carr, Vice President of Amazon Prime Instant Video. He was letting me know that Amazon Prime has instant video. Since I haven’t been using it, clearly I’m 80 and only get my news about the world through letters sent on paper and my cabinet radio. It’s not that I’m already signed up for Hulu Plus and Netflix and have — other means to get everything else.
"Look, mother! Vice President Bill Carr sent me a letter from the offices of Amazon! He must have sought me out personally! How else would he know my name? Hot diggity I must be special! Wait until I tell the grandkids!"
Ppsh. Thanks, Bill Carr, for hipping me to your service and finding a way to get around my spam filter. By sending me an actual letter. Like AARP does.
… they do have Matlock, though. Hmm.
Off the top of my head, couples the people ‘ship that I find troublesome:
- Olivia Pope/Fitzgerald Grant (Olitz), Scandal — There may be no character on television that gives me greater distress than President Emo McFreeTime. The fact that this shows keeps slamming them together upsets me so much that I have to leave the room. Straight up walk out of my own apartment because they share a wistful glance or, as it sometimes turns out, bumping and grinding in a house that adultery and (at least obliquely) rape built. I’m not sure how people put aside all the terrible things Fitz does to Mellie or all the temper tantrums he throws but to think this man is in any way good enough for Olivia Pope is either racism, sexism, or a fundamental desire to see Scott Foley lose the girl. Again.
- Ezra Fitz/Aria Montgomery (Ezria), Pretty Little Liars — All kidding aside about Ezra being a baby-faced pedo, he’s still a teacher trying to doink one of his students. She may not be his student anymore but she’s definitely still in high school and he’s definitely still in charge of youths so it’s still weird. The past five years’ zeitgeist of it being okay for teachers to get romantically-entangled with their students (Gossip Girl, Life Unexpected, probably a show that’s still on the air or something that people actually watched) is curious and slightly disturbed. And this not-so-small twist at the end of Season 4A (literally the most tweeted-about TV show moment to date) makes everything still super creepy. Stop trying to force the pervert onto the pretentious, naive dolt, everyone.
- Tom Hansen/Summer Finn, (500) Days of Summer — I know this isn’t a TV show and there was a definitive end to their relationship. I know it because I watched the movie. But I’m not sure people on Tumblr did. I keep seeing reposts of lines between those two and GIFs of scenes between them like they’re proof there is love in this world. These people were doomed. Their relationship didn’t work. Stop trying to relive the early days and ignoring the later days as if they lived happily ever after. YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELVES, TUMBLR.
- Huck/Quinn, Scandal — I don’t want these two to get together. It would be terrible. There would be more licking. No one wants to see it. But you can see how I’m torn when I consider their relationship name. You guys, who doesn’t want Huckleberry Quinn to happen?
- Princess Bonnibel Bubblegum/Marceline Abadeer (Bubbline), Adventure Time — Just stop it. You don’t have to crack ship everything. Besides, Ice King would probably explode at the thought. And where would Gunter be then? Would you make Gunter an orphan?
Those are just the ones off the top of my head (sad as that might be). Who do you have?
So this soundcloud account of unexpected drops may be the best thing ever to come out of dubstep.
OMG NO YOU HAAAVE TO LISTEN TO THESE IM DYINGGG
Totally sick drops!
For your next bachelorette party.